My Top 10 Recent Favorite Spam Messages

If you’re a baby boomer like me, you first knew SPAM® as that canned meat product made mainly from ham. Since the dawn of the Internet, however, we’ve become all too well acquainted with the truly inedible spam that arrives via email.

My email is served
with a daily side of spam,
most of it tasteless.

Fortunately, I have pretty efficient spam filters on my Boomer Haiku website and email accounts, so I don’t have to sift through a lot of inappropriate messages. But every now and then, I can’t resist perusing the subject lines of what ends up in my spam mailboxes.

In addition to being offered ways to beautify my garage floor, have my student loan forgiven, browse photos of singles near me, get thicker, fuller hair, enlarge my penis, buy meds online, boost my SEO and libido (not in the same email, BTW), join Who’s Who (I’ve been chosen!), meet sexy Russian girls and cure tinnitus, here are some other recent opportunities that have come my way – along with what I’d like to say to the sender:

From my spam email folders:

200-year-old method to reverse your hearing loss.

Yeah, and I’m sure it’s just as effective as other old-time cures like bloodletting to treat syphilis, drilling holes in your skull to let out the bad spirits, or using the pesticide DDT to kill head lice.

Eliminate ALL wrinkles in 90 seconds (guaranteed)!

Oh, this is SO tempting, especially since it’s guaranteed. And I can trust you, right?

New sleep aid takes CVS by storm!

Meaning that all CVS employees are asleep on the job? Or just well rested?

1 trick for getting laid (video)

There’s a trick to it? I thought I just had to ask my husband if he wanted to; in my house, that pretty much clinches it.

Wake up and work from home.

I already do, numb-nuts.

Can I get my ex back?

If you’re seeking relationship advice from hordes of total strangers on the Internet, I tend to doubt it.

Never lose anything again

Oh, sweetie, you’re talking to a postmenopausal baby boomer – of course I’m going to lose things. Why do you think I have six pairs of readers?

Testosterone trick leaves wives speechless (and it’s from somebody called Beyond Human)

I’d wager that if guys did more around the house without being asked, it might have the same effect. It might also put their wives more in the mood for the horizontal cha-cha than a hormone-fueled erection.

Changes to your cred score

You mean my street cred? Wow, who knew I even had a cred score and that someone is tracking it? Must have been my Boomer Haiku post on flatulence. Or maybe the one on porn. Oh, wait – did my score go up or down?

And my absolute favorite, from the spam comments on my website:

Very soon this web page will be famous amid all blogging visitors, due to it’s (sic) good articles or reviews.

From your lips to God’s ears, honey.

What about you – what are the whackiest spam messages you’ve received? Please share!

Roxanne Jones

About Roxanne Jones

By day, Roxanne Jones is an award-winning freelance copywriter specializing in health and medicine. She launched Boomer Haiku, a humorous blog about life as a baby boomer, in 2015, and a Boomer Haiku greeting card line in 2016 (available at 6 Maine stores; visit to learn more). Born and raised in Brunswick, she left Maine after high school (Class of 1971) and, after living in Massachusetts and California, came screaming back to her home state in 2006. She enjoys chardonnay, laughing at the foibles and frustrations of getting older, and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.