54 things I never thought I’d say

One recent Sunday, a friend asked if I’d seen a certain skit on SNL the night before. I heard myself reply, “No, I can’t stay up that late, but I’ll check it out online.”

Then I thought: OMG, did I really just say that? Have I turned into an old fart who nods off after dinner? I also silently gave myself props for knowing how to access SNL videos on my laptop, affirming that I’m not completely out of touch.

But it got me to thinking how a lot of things that come out of my mouth now that I’m in my sixties are statements I never thought I’d make, especially when I was in my twenties or thirties.

I also realized there are other phrases I utter that my 20-something self would have no idea WTF I’m talking about (like the WTF acronym) because our popular culture has changed so much in 40-plus years.

So I figured I’d better write down some of these utterances before I forget them. Here goes:

  • Having a good bowel movement is one of the most satisfying things in life
  • I can’t eat chocolate because it triggers my acid reflux
  • The music’s too loud—can you please turn it down?
  • I’m too old for (whatever)
  • I tweet a few times each day (“What’s a tweet?” my 20-something self would ask)
  • I post a new blog once a week (What’s a blog?)
  • I’ll text you (What’s a text?)
  • “Golden Showers” is trending on Twitter in relation to the president of the United States
  • A former soft-porn model is the first lady of the United States
  • “No, thanks” when offered a drink
  • Can’t we just cuddle?
  • The show starts at 10:00 p.m.? Forget it; I’m in bed by then.
  • I can’t wear those shoes—the heels are too high
  • Hold the French fries
  • I’ll be eligible for Medicare in just over a year
  • I can’t believe I’ve been a member of AARP for 13 years
  • I have a grandson
  • I can’t read that without glasses (and the related, “Where in hell are my glasses?”)
  • We’ll Uber to the airport (What’s Uber?)
  • Hell, I don’t need to put on makeup to go to the grocery store
  • Is it hot in here or is it just me?
  • I need a bigger bra
  • I’ll take a picture with my phone (Huh?)
  • Hey, there’s a how-to article in the Sunday paper about growing your own marijuana, now that it’s legal
  • I just paid $140 for a pair of jeans (that was once my monthly rent!)
  • I just paid $150 for eye cream
  • I just peed my pants from laughing
  • I like wearing pants with an elastic waist
  • Have I got food on my face?
  • My ass is flat
  • What did I come in here for?
  • Sure, I’ll take the senior discount
  • We need a nightlight in the bedroom
  • I really don’t like to drive at night
  • That first meal after having a colonoscopy is better than sex
  • I’m older than all my doctors
  • Cool—our new condo already has a grab bar in the shower
  • Comfort-height toilets are the best
  • I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night
  • I used to think that having a tan made me look healthy
  • At our age, it’s good to carry a little extra weight
  • If I drink more than two glasses of wine, it takes me three days to recover
  • I haven’t been carded in decades
  • Mick Jagger is 73 years old and the Stones are still performing in concert
  • Can you believe Keith Richards is still alive?
  • I just don’t get a lot of the music kids listen to today
  • I’d rather live in a small town than a big city
  • SNL has been on television for 42 years
  • I don’t have to pluck my eyebrows anymore—but I do have to pluck moustache and chin hairs
  • Have you gotten your shingles shot?
  • I’m starting to sound like my mother
  • Ask Siri (Who the hell is Siri?)
  • I really don’t care what other people think

And perhaps the #1 thing I never thought I’d say—at least not without guilt—is:

  • No

So, fellow baby boomers, what do you find yourself saying at this age—utterances your younger self never thought you’d make? While you’re thinking about it, here’s this week’s haiku:

One thing you learn as
you get older is you should
never say never.

Roxanne Jones

About Roxanne Jones

By day, Roxanne Jones is an award-winning freelance copywriter specializing in health and medicine. She launched Boomer Haiku, a humorous blog about life as a baby boomer, in 2015, and a Boomer Haiku greeting card line in 2016 (available at 6 Maine stores; visit www.boomerhaiku.com/shop/ to learn more). Born and raised in Brunswick, she left Maine after high school (Class of 1971) and, after living in Massachusetts and California, came screaming back to her home state in 2006. She enjoys chardonnay, laughing at the foibles and frustrations of getting older, and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.