Boy Scout badges for baby boomers

Turnabout is fair play. A while back, I did a blog post about Girl Scout badges that we boomer women should be awarded for our achievements as adults.

Now it’s your turn, guys. Here’s an assortment of merit badges you could earn, along with the tasks you need to complete to do so. One caveat: these proposed badges are from a woman’s point of view; in other words, they’re the ones we’d like to see you earn. Your input on the badges you think you should be awarded at this stage of life is encouraged!

The Boy Scout motto
is “Be prepared.” By midlife
you had better be!

Here goes:

Affection: Routinely show your partner affection without it being a prelude to sex (note: ass-, breast- or crotch-grabbing does not constitute affection). Give a foot or back rub without being asked (without it being a prelude to sex). Regularly hold your partner’s hand or put your arm around her (without it being a prelude to sex).

Building a Fire (adult version): Regularly undertake the tasks involved in earning most of the other badges on this list. Engage in an appropriate amount of foreplay before the “main event.” Understand that asking your partner “Are you awake?” is not foreplay, nor is poking her leg with your erect member.

Compliments: Regularly praise some aspect of your partner’s appearance (bonus points if you do so without first being asked, “How do I look?”). Express appreciation for the things your partner does for you and your family (bonus points if you do so in front of witnesses).

Conversation: Give your partner your undivided attention when she talks to you (pretending to listen while watching TV or checking email doesn’t count). Respond to your partner in complete sentences (grunts and shrugs do not count). Allow your partner to speak without interrupting her.

Cooking: Singlehandedly prepare a complete meal at least once a week (cooking burgers on the grill when your partner prepped them and made all the sides doesn’t count). Bonus points if you do the grocery shopping for the meal(s) you prepare and the cleanup. This badge automatically awarded if you are the designated cook in your household.

Doing Laundry: Demonstrate that you can independently wash, dry and fold a load of laundry, including separating lights from darks, setting the correct water temperature, adding the appropriate amount of detergent and identifying drip-dry items. Bonus points if you can fold a fitted sheet. Extra bonus points if you can put all the folded laundry away where it belongs.

Gift-giving: Thoughtfully plan the gifts you give your partner for birthdays and other agreed-upon gift-giving occasions. Bonus points if you ask your partner what she’d like. Occasionally give your partner a gift for no specific reason. Note: household appliances do not qualify as gifts unless your partner has specifically requested same.

Housekeeping: Equitably share in household chores (specific chores and when they are performed to be agreed upon with your partner). Bonus points if you perform these tasks without being nagged asked. Do not expect to be thanked for doing your chores (unless you also thank your partner for doing hers).

Hunting and Gathering (aka Grocery Shopping): Create a shopping list (input from your partner is encouraged if she is the one who plans meals). Locate your household’s grocery store. Retrieve all the items on your shopping list. Bonus points if you do so without calling your partner from the store with questions.

Personal Hygiene/Grooming: Bathe, change underwear and floss at least daily. Brush teeth twice daily. Wear deodorant/antiperspirant. Regularly trim nails and do not leave clippings on furniture. Do not leave pubic hairs stuck on the bath soap. Regularly trim nose/ear hairs. Do not emulate Donald Trump’s comb-over.

Sartorial Competence: Wear clean clothes. Dress appropriately for the occasion. Before leaving the house or company arrives, ensure there are no food stains (or food) on clothing and that your fly is zipped. Wear jeans that fit (no dad jeans).

Sartorial Splendor (advanced): Own enough (currently) fashionable clothes to require your own closet. Own at least 15 pairs of shoes that are not golf or athletic shoes. Own your own tuxedo. Bonus points if you have a tailor who knows you by name and/or your partner asks you for fashion advice.

Social Graces: Open doors for women, including your partner. Remove your hat at the dinner table. Refrain from scratching your privates in public. Bonus points whenever you’re the one to send a thank-you note.

Toilet Etiquette: Wipe the rim if you splatter when you pee. Wipe the floor if you drip after you pee. Put the seat down after you pee. Clean the bowl if you leave skid marks. Every. Single. Time.

Wildlife Management: Kill and/or remove any spiders from the premises without making fun of your partner’s arachnophobia.

So, what do you think? Are there other achievements for which you think boomer men should earn recognition? Please share in the comments below.

 

 

 

 

 

Roxanne Jones

About Roxanne Jones

By day, Roxanne Jones is an award-winning freelance copywriter specializing in health and medicine. She launched Boomer Haiku, a humorous blog about life as a baby boomer, in 2015, and a Boomer Haiku greeting card line in 2016 (available at 6 Maine stores; visit www.boomerhaiku.com/shop/ to learn more). Born and raised in Brunswick, she left Maine after high school (Class of 1971) and, after living in Massachusetts and California, came screaming back to her home state in 2006. She enjoys chardonnay, laughing at the foibles and frustrations of getting older, and contemplates plastic surgery to get rid of the wattle on her neck.